Better Left Undone

    Better Left Undone

Now that I’ve reached the midpoint of doing 50 things I’ve never done before I turn 60, I thought it might be a good time to mention a few assorted and sundry things I still haven’t done as I close in on the six-month anniversary of my 59^th birthday (let me know if I’ve lost you already). 

So, in no particular order here is a list of things I’ve avoided doing at any time in my life, thereby making the world a better place to live:

·       Split an atom.  After that unfortunate chemistry experiment back in 11^th grade, I’m fairly certain attempting to split an atom would be very irresponsible of me.  And by ‘irresponsible’ I actually mean ‘having catastrophic implications.’

·       Tap dance, clog or perform a pirouette.  After all…why would I?    

·       Inhale helium and talk like Donald Duck.

·       Tame a shrew.

·       Make a balloon animal.  I did make one that looked like a snake or maybe a large worm but I was told it didn’t count as a legitimate balloon animal because it didn’t make that squeaky sound while I was making it.

·       Wear anything red.  (I discount maroon underwear as it is not technically ‘red.’  Also because no one should technically see my maroon underwear if I did in fact wear maroon underwear.  A moot point, actually since I don’t wear maroon underwear.  Maroon is just too close to red for my liking.  Apparently you weren’t paying attention when I mentioned earlier I didn’t wear anything red.)

·       Use a protractor. 

·       Eat caviar, read a romance novel or run for political office. 

·       Learn how to play any member of the woodwind, brass or string families of musical instruments.  If I remember correctly my musical talent peaked when I was in fifth grade and I learned how to play the snare drum. 

·       Appreciate, understand or laugh at British humor. 

·       Pin the tail on the donkey.  I did try to pin several ‘gas leaks’ on a few of our cats, however.  No one ever bought it, but I did try.

·       Get into a fistfight with any of the stars of The Expendables, although I did b*tch slap one of the production assistants who was in front of me at the express lane at Publix with more than 10 items (she had 13).

·       Sneeze with my eyes open.

·       Speak German.  After working for a German company for more than 10 years and having ‘Ludwig’ as a last name you would think this would come naturally.  Truth be known I lived in Holland for three years as a youngster and took three years of French in high school.  Now when I count to 10 in a foreign language I’m pretty certain I’m doing so in three different languages.  Confusing?  Ciertamente!

·       Count my hair.   

·       Perform any repairs involving electricity.  I saw someone who ‘knew what he was doing’ fly across my kitchen after removing a kitchen outlet the stove was hooked up to and receiving a butt load of kilowatts. I’m smart enough to know I don’t know what I’m doing.  I’m also smart enough to know electricity is not always your friend. 

·       Give a telephone marketer a fighting chance.  Ask around; they’ll tell you I can be a real a**, especially the ones who call the minute I get home from work, the minute I hit the sack and lest I forget, God-have-mercy-on-the-souls of those who call me on my cell phone. 

·       Exceed the speed of light or solve a Rubik’s Cube.  I mention both since my chance of doing either one is about the same.  I may as well add ‘complement the University of Georgia’ while I’m at it.    

·       Spontaneously combust.