The Calipari List

The Calipari List

 

The Calipari List is a compilation of things I've done only one time in my life...and have absolutely no plans to do again.  You know, my 'one and dones.'

The list is named after current University of Kentucky basketball coach John Calipari, who makes a living recruiting the top freshman in the country only to play one season of college basketball for him, display their prowess in front of the entire nation and leave for the NBA well before they turn 20.

You should also know the list is named after John Calipari not as a flattering gesture, but rather as a means to express my reprehension for what he has done to the game of college basketball.

With that being said, here is the first installment of my Calipari List; things I've only done once and vow to never do again:

•   Wear sunglasses at night.  I tried it once.  What a stupid idea: I couldn't see sh*t.  If you see someone wearing sunglass at night you have my blessing to tell them they look stupid.  Footnote: I have never worn sunglasses inside, since I've never been in a house with a glass roof on a sunny day.  I doubt anyone else has either, so if you see someone wearing sunglasses inside, tell them they look stupid also.

•   Watch Blade Runner.  Rotten tomatoes calls it 'a visually remarkable, achingly human sci-fi masterpiece.'  I call it a master piece as well; a master piece of sh*t.

•   Pierce an ear.  Long story, but here's the short version: Happy hour + too much 'happy' + well-timed dare + very sharp needle + one solitary ice cube = pierced ear.      

•   Eat octopus.  Cindy and I had dinner at Burt's Place (owned by Burt Reynolds) on our honeymoon.  Cindy ordered a fancy dish--Neptune's Pasta, maybe--and offered me a bite.  I took one bite and thought I detected a piece of seafood in the sauce, perhaps from the shellfish family.  WRONG!  Octopus tentacle.  Further inspection of Cindy's dinner revealed all kinds of tentacles covered in suction cups (not the scientific term for them, but you know what I mean) sticking out of the plate of pasta.  Miraculously we didn't turn Burt's Place into a modern-day vomitorium.

•   Chew chewing tobacco.  If only I had stopped at 'chew.'  If only the person who gave me the chewing tobacco had TOLD me to stop at 'chew.'  At least it was wintergreen flavored (I've always liked wintergreen) and I didn't turn the softball field into a modern-day vomitorium.

•   Ingest a flower.  It was the night I became a Cardinal Puff at the local bar during my sophomore year in college.  It only took me two pitchers of beer to achieve that distinction, quite the accomplishment for someone who hadn't reached their 20th birthday.  So I ate a flower to celebrate.  Had I had a couple of dollars I would have bought a pizza, but like I said, I was a sophomore in college.  I spent all my money on beer.

•   Make a hole-in-one.  April 8, 1972.  Mayport Naval Station Golf Course.  I fancied myself as a pretty good golfer at the time, keeping my scores in the low 70's most of the time.  One year later--TO THE DAY--I saw my dad make a hole-in-one on the very same golf course.  My dad struggled to break 100.  That was the day I realized making a hole-in-one had nothing to do with being good.

•   Travel to South Africa.  I flew for 20 hours to run a race from Durban to Johannesburg.  I was robbed at knife point in Durban a mere 12 hours before the start of the race.  Three hours later I discovered the local police didn't give a rat's ass about the lives of tourists in their country.  After a sleepless night I managed to finish the hilly-as-hell 54-mile race, more a testament to the anger I felt towards South Africa than a tribute to the condition I was in at the time.  I vowed never to return: YOU try sitting in an airplane for 20 hours sometime.    

•   Use the word 'ingest' when I could have (and most likely should have) used 'ate.'