Solo Performances

There are things I’ve done that I doubt anyone else has had the pleasure, misfortune or personal idiosyncrasies to have on their personal inventory of life accomplishments

Ladies and gentlemen, things I may be the only person in the world who has ever done.

·      Attend three Doobie Brothers concert and fall asleep during each one.  The first two were in the early ‘70’s, so I actually ‘passed out’ rather than fell asleep thanks to a preconcert routine of beer and screwdrivers.  The third one was in 2003—about 30 years later--and there was no doubt I was simply asleep.  I was almost 50 and it was after 10:00 p.m. 

·      Deliver an impromptu eulogy.  For a man I’d never met.  Long story; short eulogy.

·      I played golf as a teenager at the Mayport (Florida) Naval Station Golf Course.  There were three par-three holes.  Once in a tournament I played those three holes in a cumulative five strokes.  I’ll leave the math to you.

·      I have this habit of crushing aluminum cans with my right hand once I finish drinking whatever was inside.  I do this for two reasons: (1) If anyone wonders who left an empty aluminum can on the counter, on the table, etc. and it wasn’t crushed, they’ll know it wasn’t me, and (2) as a reminder to myself that I’ve finished drinking it (please reference earlier comment regarding sleeping through China Grove, Long Train Running, etc.).

·      Quit drinking tequila after tasting it for the first time.  Why?  Simple math, actually. First time = 15 shots.

·      Drink an entire bottle of Manischewitz Blackberry Wine right before taking a physical examination.  You see, I knew the nurse would be drawing blood from my arm and I have this incredible fear of needles…  Incidentally, the results indicated an extraordinarily high sugar level in my blood.  Go figure. 

·      Survive a root canal without any anesthetic.  You see, I knew the dentist would be injecting Novocain in my gums and I have this incredible fear of needles…  (Please note: If you want to get an idea what it felt like, chew on a large piece of aluminum foil and be sure it comes in lots of contact with any of your teeth with fillings.  Then stab a fork in your gums.) 

·      Catch someone else’s vomit in my bare hands.  Two family members from two generations in the same house in virtually the same spot: My son Justin (circa: 1990) and his son Krischan (circa: so recent I can still envision it in the palms of my hands!).

·      Average less than six hours of sleep daily for 35 years.  My next book will be published this fall.  It’s called The Edge of Exhaustion and chronicles my quest for a personal ‘Grand Slam’ of the Major Ultras: The JFK 50, the Badwater Ultramarathon, Western States and the Comrades Marathon.  It will help explain things, like how I managed to run as many miles as I did while maintaining a full time job and raising two boys, as well as why I can’t stay awake through an entire Doobie Brothers concert.   

·      Begin every day with a run.  Focus on the words ‘begin’ and ‘every day.’  Since November 30, 1978 to be exact.  Now focus on ‘run’ and realize the word is interchangeable with jog, walk, stumble, crawl and on occasion, drag my sorry a**.

·      Have five felines stick to them like glue.  This happens every time I’m away from home for a couple of days.  Our cats must really miss the hand that feeds them, the lap that comforts them and the person who rakes their litter boxes every stinking single morning.  Amendment: I may be the only person with five felines sticking to them like clue who isn’t (a) a female or (b) a lion tamer. 

·      Write every day for an entire year.  The year was 2013.  You can find everything I wrote in My Life: Everything but BUY THE BOOK (Parts 1 and 2).  Three hundred and sixty-five chapters in all: One written on each day of the year.  If I had to do it all over again I might have divided everything into four books rather than two since there were almost as many pages (1,040) in them as there are in War and Peace (1,296).  However, if you are looking for more of the backstory behind anything you’ve read in this story, rest assured you won’t find it in anything Tolstoy ever wrote.

·      Meet Alice Cooper.  OK, I realize lots of people have met Alice Cooper but I wanted to make sure everyone knew I MET ALICE COOPER!  How cool is that?!?

·      Sing Billy Joel’s Just the Way You Are and getting all the lyrics right.  While hammered.  Company Christmas party 1983, to be exact.  One year later I sang the Commodores Still.  Messed up on a few lyrics on that one but it was my own damn fault: I tried singing it sober.