A Healthy Addiction?

I may have an addiction to running.  I run every day; every day since November 30, 1978, to be exact. I’ve begun the last 13,000 or so days of my life by lacing up a pair of running shoes.  I’ve run when the temperature is above 100 degrees and when the temperature is below zero; when I’m feeling on top of the world and when I feel like I’m six feet under; when I’ve had a good night’s sleep and when I’ve still got beer from last night sloshing around inside my stomach (translation: six feet under).  So as I stated earlier: Yes, I may in fact have an addiction to running.

To explore this matter further I decided to take a survey I discovered on Facebook titled ‘How much does running rule your life?’  I substituted the words ‘alcohol’ and ‘drugs’ with ‘running’ and came to the conclusion the survey was intended to determine whether or not a person had an addiction to running.  With that in mind, here’s how I did.

There were 50 statements and I was asked to ‘check all that apply.’  I checked 48 of them.  It might be easiest to highlight the two I didn’t check:

·       Felt a deep sense of shame after skipping a run.

·       Successfully snot-rocketed during a run and felt a strange sense of pride.

For that first one, I honestly have no idea.  My favorite question when someone finds out about my running streak is ‘don’t you feel better after you take a day off?’  As I said earlier, I wouldn’t know.   

As for the second one let me assure you: You will never see a snot rocket launched from this nose of mine.  I will also never blow my nose at the dinner table and spit in your path if you are running next to me.  I may one day live in a barn but I sure as hell wasn’t raised in one. 

As for the 48 items I checked, here’s what the survey had to say about me:

Wow.  You have a problem.  Running completely controls your life.  I guess in the grand scheme of things, being addicted to running is a good problem to have, but dang.  You’re probably reading this on a treadmill right now, you psychopath.

First let me say I have a problem with being told I have a problem, particularly by anyone making the assumption that I was on a treadmill while I took the survey.  You wouldn’t catch me on a treadmill if every road, sidewalk, path or trail on the planet were covered in six inches of poo and all I had to wear was a brand new $100 pair of running shoes.  (By the way, one of the statements was ‘spent over $100 on running shoes’ which was immediately followed by ‘spent a significant amount of money on running accessories.’  No one ever said running was cheap. But if you’re ever looking to spend your entire inheritance on a pointless sport, try golf.)

Other statements that received my seal of approval (with additional comments added in italics) were:

·       Woken up at an ungodly hour to squeeze in a run.  I set the alarm for 3 a.m. weekdays, 4 a.m. Saturdays and I sleep in on Sundays.  (4:30 if you really have to know.  I do my long run on Sundays.)  I no longer have a grasp on ‘ungodly hours.’ 

·       Ran in the rain…snow…blistering cold.  Actually these were three separate statements in the survey.  Of course any runner worth his or her salt has done all three.  Other conditions that could have been added and still been checked off include hurricanes, tornados, hailstorms and thunderstorms---complete with lightning, of course.  And gale force winds.

·       (Actually five separate statements, but could have been combined into one.)  Ran a 5K road race…ran a 10K road race…ran a half marathon…ran a marathon…ran an ultramarathon.  Does a bear run in the woods?  

·       Ran twice in one day.  There have been days that I’ve run three times.  Sometimes four.  Before breakfast. 

·       Ran past midnight.  There isn’t a minute in a 24-hour day I haven’t been running at some point in my life.  Besides, 8 a.m., 12 noon and 4 p.m. are technically all ‘after midnight’ thus making the statement ‘ran past midnight’ as the dumbest of the 50 on the survey.  Except for the one about ‘snot rockets.’ 

·       Ran while injured even though you knew you should have been resting.  ‘While hung over, while nursing a stress fracture, while suffering from extreme vertigo and while suffering from beer-sloshing syndrome‘ could have all been added to the statement and I still would have checked it off. 

·       Had to trick yourself to go for a run by promising yourself a reward, like an entire pizza, once you’ve finished.  Not necessarily a pizza, but most certainly a half-gallon of vanilla ice cream.  More than once, I might add.  Once in one day, in fact. 

·       Had patronizing thoughts towards people who drive cars while running like, ‘Look at this guy, driving his car like a frickin’ car driver.’  When I’m running early in the morning I believe I own the road and am only willing to defer to a car if it’s being driven by someone already finished with their run for the day.  Since that happens about…oh, NEVER I’ll leave my ‘patronizing thoughts’ to your imagination.  You may want to dial your imagination setting to ‘wildest.’

·       Unintentionally donated a toenail to the running gods.  About every six months I make the ultimate sacrifice.  I’m convinced my two big toes have an agreement based on ‘this town ain’t big enough for the both of us’ because I never seem to have both toenails at one time.  P.S. I just checked.  The right one is missing.    

·       Been so sore after a long run it was hard to lower yourself onto the toilet.  Or bend over to take off my running shoes.  Or pour myself a glass of water.  Or towel off after a shower.  Or brush my teeth.  Or lie down.  If dictionaries had pictures, right beneath the word ‘sore’ would be a picture of, well, probably someone who was very sore (I bet you thought I was going to say ‘me,’ didn’t you?  Sorry; my picture is going to be found beneath the word ‘psychopath.’  Continue.).   

·       Crushed a personal record only to be let down when your friends and family didn’t throw an entire party in your honor.  I thought reaching 100,000 lifetime miles might do the trick.  Or running my 200^th marathon.  But no, they throw me a party because I had a stupid birthday.  Hell, most everyone I know has a birthday.  And probably both of their big toenails. 

·       Been walking down the street and thought, ‘I wish it were socially acceptable to run places instead of walk because this is taking FOREVER.’  I’ve heard a person burns as many calories walking a mile as they do running a mile.  I call ‘bullsh*t’ because there’s no way I burn 100 calories walking a mile.  I’m also a little suspicious of the idea of burning 60 calories an hour while I’m asleep because if it were true I wouldn’t wake up feeling like a cement mixer was lodged in my stomach after drinking three beers the night before because those calories would theoretically be gone instead of inside said cement mixer.  I think biology hates me.            

·       Ducked behind a bush or building to relieve yourself during a long run and felt absolutely zero shame.  Since I do most of my running in the dark, ducking behind ANYTHING is a foreign concept to me.  Relieving myself, however?  I could write a book.  Also, it’s crossed my mind that I may have in fact been raised in a barn after all.