I've seen a lot of things in my life
that were just plain stupid. Granted, I was responsible for most of them;
just not all of them. Here are a few that instantly come to mind
every time I hear the joke about a redneck's last words being 'bet you've never
seen anyone do this before!'
1. I was at a cookout and the man
responsible for grilling the hot dogs had no feeling in either hand. Apparently
he fell backwards off a ladder some point in his life and broke his fall by
stretching out his arms, thus landing on his palms and destroying the nerves in
both hands in the process. What that translated to was his 'talent' for
cooking the hot dogs on a hot, flaming grill by rolling them with his bare
hands since he wasn't able to feel the heat. The fire, however had
another effect on him:
Me: You realize your both of
your hands are in the fire, right?
Him: (Boldly, because his chest was
puffed out) Yes, but I don't feel a thing.
Me: Maybe so, but your flesh appears
to be melting.
2. There was a man who voluntarily
ran across Death Valley, over two mountain ranges and all the way to the
portals of Mount Whitney, a distance of 135 miles. It was in mid-July and
the temperatures reached the low 130's. It took him over 36 hours.
But he finished, dammit. He finished. (OK, so this one was me.)
3. The route I drive to work
through a small town in Georgia crosses a train track. Once in a while
the train comes and when it does the railroad is blocked off by those big
wooden arms with the flashing lights. When that happens I--as well as
every single other driver I've seen in the last 11 years--turn right, drive
about half a mile, turn left onto a road that runs beneath the train tracks and
merge back onto my normal route. Simple. However one day when the
wooden arms with the flashing lights were staring me in the face, I happened to
be the third vehicle 'in line.' The two vehicles in front of me
apparently were content to wait out the train; I wasn't. I pulled around
the two cars and turned right, just like anyone else save these two yahoos in
front of me on this particular day would have done. Big mistake: The
first vehicle in line was a police car. Instinctively I pulled over to
the curb, about a nanosecond before the flashing blue lights signaled me to.
The policeman got out of his car, walked up to my window and said 'give
me your license so I can write you a ticket.' He walked back to his car and
returned 30 seconds later and asked me why I would pull around a policeman at a
stop sign and turn in front of him. I said I--as well as every single
other driver I'd seen in the last 11 years--did it all the time when a train
came through. The policeman then retaliated with perhaps the worst
(translation: dumbest) analogy in the history of the English language by
asking: 'If a policeman was watching and everyone was jumping off of the top
of a building, would YOU?' Shortly thereafter he returned my license
to me and told me to 'go on…just go on.'
I consider myself fortunate this occurred at 6:58 a.m. on a Thursday
morning, or two minutes before the policeman's shift was over. His police
station was directly on the other side of the railroad tracks, coincidentally.
4. Once upon a time I had a root
canal. Without any anaesthetic. The end.
5. When Cindy and I were dating,
we spent one summer at my parent's house in Virginia. One night we went
out to see a movie and on the way home decided to stop for a few minutes to
park (Is that what they still call it?
Parking?) in my parent's subdivision in an area where new houses were
being built. It was raining--heavily--and the dirt we parked in soon
turned into mud. Once we realized our car was stuck in that mud, I walked
to a neighbor's house and asked for their help. I didn't bother asking
for their silence because I thought that was understood. The neighbors
were able to help us get our car out of the mud that night, and 12 or 13 years
later my parents finally let me in on their little secret: They knew about it the
very night it happened. Moral of the story? Don't park in the mud.
6. There was a man who voluntarily
ran 100 miles through the Sierra Nevada mountain range on a route that went
up-and-down-and-up-and-down-and-up-and-down. And up. This man had
no business running through the mountains, since most of his training miles
were run on asphalt. The course was exceptionally wet and the man's
running shoes stayed saturated for 30 hours. At the end of the run the
man had a deep gash right down the middle of the ball of his left foot.
The best description of the foot is this: If the bottom of the foot was
the state of Arizona; then the deep gash would be the Grand Canyon. Yes,
it was that deep! (Me
again.)
7. Did you notice I didn't mention
the name of the small town in #3? That's because the men and women of the
Fairburn Police Department don't have a sense of humor.
8. In sixth grade I was sitting in the
back of the classroom next to my best friend. Abruptly he lifted his
right leg and passed gas so passionately (I don't know what else to call
it) that it rumbled--LOUDLY--in his wooden chair and echoed throughout the
classroom. I put my face down on my desk because I just knew I was going
to laugh until I cried. Thirty seconds later I lifted my head and saw
every single face in the classroom looking directly at me. I glanced over
to my best friend and found him solemnly pointing at me--as if he was disgusted
I would do such a thing.
9. It is entirely possible to trip
over a quarter-inch rise in the asphalt while running. It is also entirely possible to run two miles
in 12 minutes with blood gushing out of a one-inch gash directly beneath your
chin. I hate that I know these things to be true.
10. It is entirely possible to
forget the names of people you've known for two generations. I hate that
I know this to be true as well.
Looking back over this list, perhaps I'm
confusing 'stupid' with 'getting older.' Maybe there's hope for me yet.
The policeman in Fairburn, however,
doesn't stand a chance.
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