Barter System

‘G-Pa, hold out your hand.  I’ve got a sur-PRIZE for you.’

That can only mean one thing.  Krischan is about to place a Hot Tamale—or as he calls it a ‘hot kamale’—in my hand.  If you’re not familiar with Hot Tamales, think of them as cinnamon-flavored Mike and Ike’s and know that they are a favorite of Krischan and I.  Now understand that a Hot Tamale held tightly in a human hand for anything more than a few seconds causes it to begin melting, so by the time the ‘surprise’ is in my hand it’s warm, gooey and turns the palm of my hand bright red.  Then again, it’s one of my favorites so I normally eat it without any fuss.

But this time I noticed Krischan didn’t have any Hot Tamales in his other hand for himself.  He also didn’t stick around to watch me eat the Hot Tamale; instead he wandered off into the kitchen.  I heard him going into the kitchen pantry where all of the candy in the house is stored.  I gave him a minute or so before checking on him and found him on the couch—opening five pieces of my absolute favorite candy, something Krischan is well aware of---Kraft Caramels.  Judging by the clandestine manner in which he snuck off into the kitchen once I had my Hot Tamale in hand, the caramels were apparently now his absolute favorite candy as well.  I found it intriguing how he ‘bought me off’ with a Hot Tamale and went after the caramels for himself.

But it didn’t surprise me.  The boy has shown me time and time again what a clever and calculating mind he has.  You can practically see a frantic mouse running on the wheel inside his head when he’s thinking (unless he’s watching television or playing on the iPad because then it’s pretty clear the wheel is abandoned).   Over the years I’ve learned to cope, compensate and circumvent some of Krischan’s more—I’ll say this as gently as I can—‘undesirable’ behaviors.        

For example there are several things nearly impossible to get him to do if he’s not on the same page.  For example:

·      If I want him to take a bath because he’s beginning to smell like the wet towel I left in my gym locker in 11^th grade, I’ll have to offer something up.  What I’ve found works best is taking him with me to the grocery store and letting him get one of the $1 rubber animals (his favorites include sharks, dolphins, dinosaurs and giant bugs).  That way I can use the animal later as incentive to take a bath because he LOVES to play in the tub with his toys—especially the new ones because that way he can introduce everyone to one another.

·      If I want him to play outside (when the television and/or iPad is the reason he wants to stay Inside because otherwise he LOVES being outside) I’ll have to convince him I’ve seen ‘something moving’ in the woods behind the house and that it needs our attention immediately.  It’s not long before we both have our foam rubber swords in hand and are heading out towards the trees so we can keep the residents of the subdivision safe.  Of course buying him a new foam rubber sword seems to work quite well also.

·      If I want him to play inside (when there’s inclement weather, when I’m exhausted because he and I spent the entire day in the woods hunting moving things) I’ll have to sweeten the deal by offering him chocolate milk, blueberries or Kraft caramels (formerly Hot Tamales).  Offering to watch an animated movie seems to work, too (favorites include Despicable Me, Wreck It Ralph and all of the different flavors of Madagascar). 

·      If I need to run an errand in the car and Krischan doesn’t want to go, I have found there’s a good chance he’ll change his mind if I promise to drive by a new house I saw that appears to be haunted, stop to feed carrots or apples to the horses along the highway or go to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal.

As for the trip to McDonald’s, it’s not really the Happy Meal he’s after.  It’s the toy inside.  That and the in-restaurant playground.

For a REAL challenge, try and get Krischan to leave a McDonald’s playground.  You know, the ones with the bouncy cage that smell like that wet towel I mentioned earlier.  It’s virtually impossible.

Even if you offered him all the Kraft caramels he can eat.