Parental Advisory: If one of your children is going off to college you may want to read this first...

Parental Advisory (for parents with children of college age): This one’s for you.

Fact: I was a freshman at the University of Florida 40 years ago this month.

Fact: I earned a bachelor’s degree in four years.

Fact: Everything you are about to read today is absolutely true.

Fact: Once this day is over you’ll be calling me a liar. 

 

I was originally assigned to live in Tolbert Hall, an air-conditioned dormitory near the center of campus.  Jeff, my best friend from high school was assigned to Murphree Hall, a non-air-conditioned dormitory right behind the football stadium.  Since we wanted to room together our freshman year Jeff and I talked to our respective randomly assigned roommates and asked if either one of them would be willing to swap dorm rooms.  It doesn’t take a genius to figure out how Jeff and I ultimately became roommates: I had to give my spot in the air-conditioned dorm to Jeff’s roommate and in exchange take his spot with Jeff in Murphree Hall Room 549.  You may have already deduced that Murphree Hall Room 549 was on the fifth floor, but what you couldn’t possibly know is that our room was accessible only by stairs, all the residents on the fifth floor had to share a community bathroom and since the fifth floor was also the top floor, our room was hotter than hell every single day.  And night. 

I won’t dwell on the minor inconveniences of my freshman year (The short list would include waiting for an open washing machine at the Laundromat, finding an washing machine that works, waiting for an open dryer and finding an open dryer that works) but I will tell you about some of the things that, as I look back on them now make me wonder how I survived that first year, let alone the three years after that.

In chronological order:

·      Jeff and I attended rush parties (an annual rite of passage of fraternities to gain new members, or ‘brothers’ as they’re commonly known) at as many fraternities as we could fit into the five-day ‘rush week’ prior to the first day of class.  As neither one of us had any intention of becoming ‘frat boys’ and were simply there for the free food and drink, I introduced myself to everyone I met as Clarence Barrow and saying they could call me by my nickname, Clyde.  (Most didn’t catch the subtle reference to the Clyde of Bonnie & Clyde fame.)

·      My parents bought me a bicycle as a high school graduation present for getting around on campus (had I gone to their first choice, the Naval Academy it would have been a car) that I sold the first week of class.  I also cashed out on the annual meal plan that had been paid in advance.  Why?  I wanted to have enough money so I could spend weekends with Cindy, who was still living in Atlantic Beach, a good two hours from Gainesville.  A refund for the meal plan and the sale of my bike netted me about $25 a week on which to eat, drink, recreate and continue with my courtship of Cindy.  As a round trip to Jacksonville on a Greyhound bus cost $7.75, that didn’t leave a whole lot for my other expenses.  I learned to exist on a steady diet consisting of cans of spinach, Pop-Tarts and various cereals I could stand covered with (wait for it)…water in lieu of the more expensive milk (long story).

·      I failed the first course of my life during the first quarter: Calculus.  The instructor said attendance was optional and grades were to be determined by the midterm and final exams.  Since I never made less than an ‘A’ in any math class my entire life, I thought all I would need to do was show up to pass the exams.  I soon learned that my theory was the about the same as a person believing they could write Wuthering Heights simply because they spoke English or a person thinking they could perform a root canal because they knew how to brush their teeth.

·      I streaked through campus during the winter quarter.  Streaking, as in run butt-nekkid in public like a crazy person.  Not on a dare and not because I had one too many Budweisers; I did it because I wanted to.  I quickly learned I was very good at it, judging by the way people on campus stopped dead in their tracks and gawked. Shrinkage aside, it was one of my proudest moments my freshman year.  (Note: This was at a time when streaking was at the height of its popularity.  Don’t think for a minute I was the only free bird flapping his wing.  I meant wings.)

·      I got in trouble during the second quarter in an English literature class for failing to properly footnote a reference to another publication in my analysis of The Red Badge of Courage.  Apparently I missed the lesson on using proper footnotes in high school English.  From that point forward I have always made it a point to give credit where credit was due IMMEDIATELY so there would be no question as to my intentions.  Here’s one as an example: In Scott Ludwig’s book, A Few Degrees from Hell he introduces the now-famous quote from Al Barker: ‘Put me down for a turd.’  From now on that’s how I rolled.  (Note: I hope I piqued your interest to the point you’ll want to get your hands on a copy!)

·      One month I was so mad at Southern Bell after getting my monthly phone bill, seeing as it was for $14.12 and (remember, I was surviving on $25 a week) I drank a little too much and angrily (drunkenly) placed 14 one dollar bills as well as the bill itself with 12 pennies Scotch-taped to it inside the envelope, added two stamps and threw it in the mailbox.  One month later I got another bill with a note stating last month’s balance of $14.12 was still not paid.  I silently cursed my mailman who was apparently $14.12 richer.

·      My biology class project was to observe and notate the daily behavior of a pair of animals. I bought two white mice for a quarter apiece and placed them inside a small aquarium.  I meticulously observed the behavior of Stanley and Stella, taking copious notes throughout the entire quarter.  After the quarter was over my roommate and I bought an even larger aquarium for the mice and our newest pet: A boa constrictor we named Alice.  Alice, meet Stanley and Stella.  (When you have some time, do a Google Images search for ‘boa and mouse.’)

·      Near the end of my freshman year the Resident Assistant came to my room and asked me if I knew why all four of the windowsills directly beneath mine (his being the one on the first floor) had acquired a distinct yellow stain during the school year.  In retaliation I asked him why we only had one community toilet for our entire floor.  Checkmate, beeyotch.

There more than likely were one or two (twenty-seven) other ill advised behaviors and/or comments my freshman year, but I believe that’s enough for now.  I don’t want to scare the parents any more than I already have.  Just know freshmen are not the most mature creatures on the planet.

And you now have to be a returning sophomore to live in Murphree Hall: Freshmen are no longer allowed.  Most likely due to the maintenance crew growing tired of repainting the windowsills white every summer.