50 Ways to leave your 50's

Before this year is over I will no longer be in my 40's.  50's either, for that matter.  

Less than 12 months from now I’ll be turning 60 years old.  ‘Are you sh*tting me?’ I ask myself.  I remember when I was a boy living in Holland how old I thought my babysitter was; all of 18 years of age and about to graduate from high school.  I remember when I was in high school how old I thought my teachers were; hell, some were almost 40 years old!  I remember when I reached 30 how old I thought the runners who were 50 and older were amazing because they were still running at their age!   When I turned 40 I thought how lucky the people who were 60 and older were because they were either retired or on the cusp of retirement.

When I turned 50 I started calling anyone in their early 40’s or younger ‘kids.’  Now that I’m close to 60 I’ve moved that descriptor to anyone in their early 50’s.  What I find most amazing is that I’m the same person who was once that small boy living in Holland who thought turning 18 years old was pretty much the end of the line; you simply couldn’t get much older than that.

This year I want to do something different.  In fact this year I want to do a LOT of things different.  Things I’ve never done before.  Things I’ve never tried before.  In some cases perhaps doing or trying things I’ve never even considered before.  

In fact I’m already keeping a list of possibilities for what could be the most unique collection of New Year’s Resolutions ever compiled:

·      Take a yoga class.  Who knows what kind of results I might see if I actually did all of my yoga positions correctly?

·      Touch my palms to the ground.  This should be a cinch if I take that yoga class.

·      Run to work.  I ran to work (26 miles) when I worked at JC Penney on ‘Run to Work Day.’  Since then it’s been changed to ‘Run at Work Day’ and I work somewhere else (also 26 miles from my house).  I had a shower installed at my current facility…for things just like this.

·      Run 60 miles for my 60^th birthday.  I considered running my age in kilometers (that would equate to about 37 miles) but then I remembered kilometers are for wimps and miles are for men. 

·      Make five consecutive free throws with my eyes closed.  It might take me 1,000 tries, but I’m confident I can do this.

·      Wear pink shoes for an entire week during October, Breast Cancer Awareness Month.  After all, pink shoes—like miles--are for men.

·      Visit New Orleans.  No, I’ve never been and yes, I would remember even if I went during Mardi Gras.

·      Attend a film festival.  Sundance would be nice; Cannes would be better.  I would even settle for a horror film festival: Who knows, I might even meet get to meet one of the pillars in the business!  That guy from Saw, perhaps.  Or the person who played the lead role in Leprechaun (assuming, of course the character wasn’t computer-generated). 

·      Fly an airplane.  A friend of mine gives flying lessons.  I’m hoping he can take me up in his plane one day and let me sit in the driver’s seat and hold the steering wheel, if only for one or two seconds.  Actually, it’s probably best for me to stop after one.

·      Write fiction.  After writing seven books of nonfiction with two more in the hopper, how hard can it be making shit up for a couple hundred pages?  (Does this fall into the category of ‘famous last words?’)

·      Don’t speak for an entire day.  No words necessary (pun intended).

·      Visit South America.  Anywhere in South America.  At the top of the list: Argentina, Chile and Columbia.  I’d better defer to my second or third choices because if I opt for my first choice, Argentina, I’m not so sure I’d want to come back.

·      Attend an AA meeting.  I believe attending a meeting might provide me some insight into my addiction to running.  I’ve never told anyone this before, but there was a period of time (from 1994 through 2008) that I couldn’t stand for anyone in Fayette County to run farther than me on any given day.  Yes, any given day.  If I knew of someone running 25 miles on a day I only ran 20, I would go out for another run that day to at least match them.  That particular obsession is only the tip of a very long iceberg.

·      Write a children’s book.  I already have an illustrator lines up.  This one is going to happen regardless of the other 49 items on the list.  Tell your children (ages six through nine; book should be available towards the end of 2014 so plan accordingly).

·      Write an entire story while intoxicated.  No proofreading or editing allowed.

·      Run naked.  Two possibilities: (1) During one of my 4:30 a.m. runs during the week (I finish around 6 a.m. and rarely see anyone else on the roads with the exception of one or two police officers on patrol (no worries; they rarely notice their surroundings) or (2) participate in a 5K road race in May at a nudist colony (I’ve been invited many times by the Race Director but never had the courage, even though they offer a ‘clothing optional’ option). 

·      Invent a dessert.  I’ve watched The Food Channel enough to know that most of the really good recipes are made by experimentation and/or accident.  I’d like nothing more than to experiment with vanilla flavoring, vanilla ice cream, vanilla cake batter and/or all of the above.  My money’s on ‘all of the above.’

·      Buy a motorcycle.  The longest shot on the list, by a long shot.  Maybe I’ll change this one to ‘seriously talk about buying a motorcycle.’

·      Learn to ride a motorcycle (if only for a minute, in which case the previous entry would simply be ‘rent a motorcycle’ or perhaps ‘talk some poor schlub into letting me borrow his motorcycle for a day or two’ in which case the poor schlub should immediately start praying for the motorcycle being returned in one piece.

·      Run a marathon in Texas.  I haven’t run a marathon in approximately half of the 50 states; Texas is one of them.  It just so happens there is a marathon in Fort Worth.  My grandson lives in Fort Worth.  Two birds, one stone. 

·      Drink an alcoholic drink I’ve never had before.  Scotch immediately comes to mind.  Find the top shelf and drop down two.  Heck, I used to think Bud was the King of Beers when I was a teen.  Now I realize it was nothing but filtered Clydesdale urine.  So why would I need top shelf?

·      ‘Fly solo’ at a music trivia contest.  I’ve been playing music trivia every week for over seven years with our team, The Fried Mushrooms.  I’ve always wondered how I would do without the help of our ‘country music experts,’ ‘rap/hip hop experts’ and ‘top 40 experts’ (I do poorly on all three of those categories). 

·      Binge-watch an entire season of one of my favorite television series in one day.  I’m two seasons behind on Dexter.  That seems like a good place to start.  I like that word: ‘Start.’

·      Go to the theater to watch a ‘chick flick’—alone—on the day the film opens.  I realize if I am caught it could result in the permanent forfeiture of my Man Card, but hey—I like living on the edge.  With the exception of flying an airplane, this is the most far-fetched item on my list.  So far, anyway.  I’m not even halfway to 50 things yet.

·      Do volunteer work for an organization I’ve never volunteered for before.

·      Attend a music festival.  There’s one right down the road in Atlanta: The Midtown Music Festival.  Great concept, great musicians, great venue…but then again, it’s in Atlanta.  There are only three good things to come out of Atlanta: I-20, I-75 and I-85.  And Diet Coke.  I can’t believe I almost forgot Diet Coke. 

·      Truly give up something for the entire 40 days of Lent.   I’m thinking carbonated beverages, particularly the one that can eat through corrosion on battery cables.  

·      Go on a totally spontaneous road trip.  At this point I’m unsure of the reason: A run in a special place, a pub crawl experience, to people watch, for peace and quiet…  But why do I need a reason if the intent is for it to be spontaneous?  (Damn Type A personality!)

·      Drink only German beer for the entire year.  In other words, absolve myself of the skunky American beers (I’m not talking to you, Samuel Adams.  You either, Blue Moon.  Just everyone else.).

      On my 60th birthday, celebrate with a special run.  60 miles, maybe.  Or 60 kilometers.  Or 60 minutes.  Maybe 60 hours.  One of those for sure.  

·      Get a tattoo.  This one never crossed my mind until Cindy noticed Ryan Lochte, Gold Medal winning swimmer at the Olympic Games and a Florida Gator alumnus sporting a lifelike alligator tattoo on his shoulder.  Cindy said she wanted one, and if she were to be the only one in our family with a tattoo I may as well put my Man Card in the shredder myself.  If I were to get one, I have one more for this list:

·      OF MY OWN FREE WILL AND FOR NO MEDICAL OR HEALING PURPOSE WHATSOEVER have a needle stuck into my body. 

Is that 50 yet?  No?  It looks like 2014 is shaping up to be a very long year.