Number 5 – Leave Auburn as a Winner

This seemed like the perfect opportunity.

The Florida Gators basketball team had a record of 14 wins—including a perfect 3 – 0 in Southeastern Conference (SEC) games--and only 2 losses and were ranked 7^th in the nation.  Auburn’s team was sporting a record of 8 wins and 6 losses (including a 19-point loss at home to Northwestern State) and was still winless in the SEC at 0 – 3.  So when the schedule called for the Gators to play the Auburn Tigers it seemed like the perfect opportunity for me to visit Auburn, Alabama and leave as a winner for the very first time. 

Up until now I was oh-for-Auburn.  My first trip to War Eagle Country was in 1989 to see the Gator football team lose to the Tigers by a score of 10 – 7.  Seventeen years later Cindy made the trip with me to Jordan-Hare Stadium.  Before the game we found a parking lot at a local church that included parking, all-you-can-eat barbecue and all-you-can-drink beer for only $5.  After parking the car, loading a plate full of barbecued chicken and potato salad and being handed an ice cold beer, I asked the woman taking my $5 bill if the pastor of the church knew what they were doing.  Her reply: ‘Who do you think handed you that beer?’  Thank the Good Lord for Southern Hospitality.  Time out for a brief tally: Two trips to Auburn; two Gator losses: Auburn 27, Florida 17.

My third chance to grab a victory in Auburn was in 2011.  Cindy and I watched the Tigers beat our Gators 17 – 6 in what could have been the worst college football game in history.  If there were ever a game that neither team should have won, it was this one.  Auburn’s offense was anemic; the Gators’ even worse.  It was a minor miracle that Florida’s offense even touched the ball, considering the Gators fumbled five punts during the game.  I can remember the Gator football teams in the ‘80’s having trouble fielding punts, but even at their worst five fumbled punts would constitute an entire season, not a single game.  Cindy and I left the game a couple of minutes before it was over (a rarity for us) because we had a feeling things were going to turn ugly once the clock read :00.   We hit that nail on the head, because after the game the Auburn fans were taunting us without mercy, chasing us to our car much in the same way the angry villagers chased after Frankenstein’s monster with their pitchforks and burning torches in their hands.

So getting back to what I was saying earlier, I was oh-for-Auburn.  If you factor in the Auburn Half Marathon I ran in 2010, well, I didn’t win that either so at this point you can say I was oh-for-four in Tiger Town.

But today things were going to change.  Cindy and I left our home in Peachtree City in plenty of time to make the 3:00 p.m. tip-off, especially since the game would start at 3:00 p.m. in the Central Time Zone.  If you can grasp Cindy’s propensity to be late you can appreciate me not letting her in on that little tidbit of time zone information until I parked the car across the street from the Auburn Arena about 90 minutes before game time.  A bit peeved, Cindy asked me how long I had known that Alabama time was an hour behind Georgia time.  I told her ‘since about 7^th grade,’ which proved once again that her sense of humor and mine are in two different time zones as well.

I’ll get to the outcome of the game in a moment.  But first I have to tell you about the game within the game, or as Cindy and I call it our two hours in the Twilight Zone.

·      First time out: Several hundred miniature parachuting cows fall from the rafters, a promotion from the local Chick-Fil-A.  I noticed one boy running back-and-forth along a mostly deserted aisle with three cows in one hand and two in another; his sister in the row behind him with a handful of her own.  I’m guessing with the number of free coupons they accumulated their parents didn’t have to worry about dinners from the next week or so.

·      Second time out: The cheerleaders scoured the crowd looking for the ‘loudest fans,’ easily discernible by any fan in the first couple of rows doing pseudo jumping jacks and shaking their heads and shoulders uncontrollably until a Domino’s personal pan pizza was placed in their flailing hands to calm them down.

·      Third time out: One lucky fan was given the chance to WIN A CAR!  All she had to do was make a 94-foot putt from one side of the basketball court to the other.  Moments after her putt ricocheted off the feet of the members of the press in the front row at courtside, the public address announcer commended her on her GOOOOOD TRY.

·      Halftime: Two fans appeared at mid-court dressed as a pair of Michelin Men, their costumes so ‘inflated’ that their arms stuck out straight to their sides and their mobility was severely restricted.  Their challenge: To engage in in a bout of ‘sumo wrestling’ with the winner to be determined by the first rikishi (sumo wrestler) to make their opponent fall to the floor twice.  In an entertaining performance the red Michelin Man beat the blue Michelin Man two falls to one and enjoyed the spoils of victory: a gift bag from a prominent wireless service.   I can only imagine how proud this would have made the Japanese, the Founding Fathers of sumo wrestling. 

Them again, the parachuting cows and the Michelin Men couldn’t hold a torch to the three ‘fans’ standing immediately behind Cindy and I.  As far as we could tell, two of them were Auburn fans and two of them were Florida fans.  Why we had a hard time identifying their school affiliations will be evident once you become familiar with some of their dialogue we overheard during the game.  I’ll give them nicknames so you can keep score at home:

Basketball Savant (BS):  The Gators are the ones in the blue uniforms.

Grasshopper #1: Is Auburn in white?

BS: Yes; wearing white makes them the home team.

Grasshopper #2:  What does Florida wear when they’re the home team?

BS: Orange.  Sometimes white, it just depends.

Grasshopper #3: Tweeeeeyht.  Tweeeeeyht.  (Annoying sound similar to the sounds the smoke detector in our house made the last time I burned something in the microwave)

BS: That player just got fouled in the act of shooting. 

Grasshopper #1: What happens now?

BS: He shoots two free throws.  They count for one point if he makes them.

Grasshopper #2: What if he got fouled trying a three point shot?

BS: He can shoot as many as three free throws, but he only gets to shoot as long as he keeps making them.  If he misses the first one, he’s done.

Grasshopper #3: (After the first free throw is made) Tweeeeeyht.  Tweeeeeyht. 

BS:  Billy Donovan just called a time out.

Grasshopper #1: What did he do that for?

BS: Some of the players need some Gatorade.  They’re getting tired from running up and down the court and Gatorade gives them fresh legs.

Grasshopper #2: Is that why the players are sitting on folding chairs while the coach is talking to them?

BS: Now you’re catching on. 

Grasshopper #3: (As the Gators are drinking from their Gatorade bottles)  Tweeeeeyht.  Tweeeeeyht. 

Yep, these guys had about as much business being at a basketball game as I do being at a science fair.  (Believe me, if you knew me better you’d be in stitches right about now.)   I was shocked when I turned around after the game was over and saw these four fans looked to be in their late 30’s.  Judging by their ongoing dialogue for the past 40 minutes I would have sworn they were at some age where they may not have had too much exposure to the game of basketball at this point in their lives.

As for the game, Florida was fortunate to leave Auburn Arena with a 68 – 61 win, considering they did it without any noticeable contribution from any of their guards. From what I’ve seen of the Gators so far this season, it was one of their poorest efforts.  But a win is a win. 

Or as the Basketball Savant said about the play of the Gator guards: ‘The smaller players’ job is to dribble the ball up and down the court and give the ball to the bigger players so can make the baskets.  That’s why you don’t see Florida’s smaller players scoring many points.’