Number 12 - Create a Dessert

I’m always amazed by the number of people I know who are fascinated by The Food Channel.  They can name the shows, the stars of the shows and the soon-to-be-stars of future shows on America’s favorite (only?) network catering to (Warning: Cliché dead ahead) the way to a man’s heart.  My wife is no exception.

Long before Cindy opened her first oil and vinegar store she would stay up late on Sunday nights to watch an elimination cooking competition (think Survivor set in a kitchen), the last chef standing rewarded with their own show on which they would one day show the world how to cook the best rutabaga casserole known to man.  For the longest time I would tease Cindy because none of the meals she saw created on television in 30 minutes or less ever found its way onto our dining room table.

However that’s changed recently.  Inspired by the products carried in her store, Cindy has made some of the most amazing meals over the past two years.  I have to admit (although I’ve known it for many, many years): Cindy is one fine cook.  She created/invented/whipped up one incredible grilled cheese sandwich a couple weeks ago that turned out to be quite a hit at a birthday party her store hosted recently; I am not one bit surprised. 

Speaking of surprised, very few people know I do in fact know how to prepare a few dishes of my own.  When Cindy and I were dating, lasagna was my specialty.  Cindy always enjoyed it, although I’m not sure if it was because she liked how it tasted or because she didn’t have to cook dinner that night.  Either way my lasagna was always a hit with her.  (Chef’s secret: If I had to guess I would say that I never cooked lasagna the same way twice.  I used recipes printed on the box of spaghetti noodles, on a can of tomato sauce, from an old cookbook and sometimes I would simply rely on trying to remember what ingredients I used the last time.  And if I’m ever uncertain if the lasagna may not turn out like it’s supposed to, I add a butt load of cheese.  I’ve learned cheese can conceal almost any cooking sin.)  I’m also quite adept at putting together a bowl of cereal, cooking a frozen pizza in the oven between 350 and 425 degrees, heating leftover soup in the microwave and pouring a glass of Bailey’s Irish Cream over ice (Crushed, cubed, shaved: It doesn’t matter; I can do it all).  That last one is among my favorites as it always satisfies my sweet tooth.  Speaking of sweet tooth…    

Once recipe I regret not having is the one my Aunt Minerva (Auntie) followed for making the world’s best vanilla cake (my all-time favorite dessert).  I used to spend many afternoons in the kitchen with her as she used ‘a dash of this’ and ‘a dash of that.’  I often wish I had taken the time to write down all those dashes but Auntie would always talk—and bake as well--really, really fast and it was all I could do to listen, let alone write anything down.  Besides, I was only five years old and I didn’t know how to write yet anyway. 

Time out for an old war story: My absolute favorite baking story that just so happens to be Cindy’s absolute least favorite.  During college the Betty Crocker recipe cards were popular, and Cindy had quite the collection.  One day she tried to bake a cake from a Betty Crocker recipe card for my best friend Stan and I, but for some reason the cake ‘fell’ while baking in the oven.  Once the two layers cooled off, she tried putting one on top of the other and ‘patching’ the bad spots with the homemade icing.  While there wasn’t a name for it at the time, there is one now: Epic Fail.  Disappointed, Cindy went to the library to study while Stan and I decided to round up the ingredients Betty Crocker called for and gave the cake a shot of our own.  Several hours later Cindy returned and found a picture perfect (I cannot imagine a more literal interpretation of the phrase ‘picture perfect’) cake on the dining room table.  Standing next to the cake was the Betty Crocker recipe card; the picture of the cake was identical to the freshly baked cake next to it, right down to the tiny piece of parsley positioned in front of the cake plate.  (Were Stan and I both in the running for the crown of Ultimate Smartass?  Why yes we were, thank you very much.)

So today, following the Florida Gator victory on the basketball court over the Louisiana State Tigers I was inspired to create a dessert recipe of my very own.  I don’t count the the chocolate lover’s milkshake I made for Cindy one Valentine’s Day that consisted of everything in the grocery store I could find that I considered to be part of the chocolate family: ice cream, milk, candy (everything from Hershey to Godiva), sprinkles and syrup, among other things.  (Grocery store managers: Have you ever considered having one aisle designated for all things chocolate?  It has potential.)  The concoction wound up to be nothing more than a large glass of chocolate sludge, but Cindy pretended to like it anyway so I checked it off in the ‘win’ column.

Now back to where I was heading earlier: Ladies, gentlemen and Georgia Bulldog fans (that should cover just about everyone): I give you the recipe for the Victory Vanilla© Milk Shake:

·      Several scoops of vanilla ice cream (none of the generic store brand, please; and don’t for one second think you can substitute frozen yogurt for ice cream)

·      A generous helping of milk (2% or whole only; not skim or 1%--this is a VICTORY shake, not a LOSER shake)

·      A splash of French Vanilla Kahlua (please note: ‘French Vanilla’)

·      A dash of vanilla flavoring (if you happen to have a bottle of this from Mexico, even better!)

·      Equal dashes of Blue and Orange Curacao (remember this is a FLORIDA GATOR Victory Vanilla© Milk Shake and the official school colors must be used; after all, could there be any other reason Orange Curacao even exists?)

Here’s where it gets tricky:

·      Find a blender.

·      Plug the blender into an electrical outlet.

·      Put all of the ingredients inside the blender.

·      Put the top back on the blender.

·      Push any of the buttons on the front of the blender (Note: Not the one on the far left as this would be the ‘OFF’ button)

·      Listen to the sound of the blender until you hear the desired consistency of your milk shake come to fruition.

·      Push the ‘OFF’ button (Note: This should be the first time you touched this particular button.  Again, it’s the one on the far left.  Unless your blender was made in Japan, then it might be the one on the far right but you may have already figured that out two steps earlier.)

·      Remove the top of the blender. 

·      Pour yourself a glass of Victory Vanilla© Milk Shake.

·      Enjoy.

·      (Repeat if necessary)

As I wash out the blender and stare at the backyard out of my kitchen window, one thought comes to mind:

I wonder what recipe I could come up with using kudzu as the main ingredient?