Blog #100

My 100^th Blog – 100 Things I’ve Never Done

(or don’t remember doing if I did)

1.     Win the Presidential Medal of Honor (I did, however earn the Citizenship merit badge in Boy Scouts.  Let’s call it ‘even.’).

2.     Play a video game more advanced than Space Invaders (the original version, circa mid 1970’s).

3.     Run for public office (the only time I ever ran for anything was President of my 7^th grade class at Moanalua Intermediate School; I lost).

4.     Appear on Broadway.

5.     Break a leg (literally or, having never been on Broadway, figuratively).

6.     Solve a Rubik’s Cube (excluding the beginner’s version that I bought in solid blue). 

7.     Become a Rhodes Scholar (although I did win the second grade Spelling Bee at the American School of the Hague in 1963—‘b-o-u-n-t-i-f-u-l’).

8.     Bowl a perfect game (but ask me about my hole-in-one anytime).

9.     Attend a boxing match.

10. Own a pet tarantula (although I had a boa constrictor named ‘Alice’ my freshman year in college).

11. See Rocky Horror Picture Show, This is Spinal Tap or Young Frankenstein (so sue me).

12. Meet the Beatles (although I did see Paul McCartney in concert in Atlanta once and became pals with Julian Lennon on a chance meeting at a deli in New York City in 1985 when Too Late for Goodbyes was on the Top 40 Charts (Me: ‘Love your song!’  Julian: ‘Who the hell are you?’) .

13. Get the hell out of Dodge (I’ve never even been to Dodge).

14. Successfully give something up for the entire 40 days of Lent although this year I gave up Diet Coke until the Caffeine Headache from Hell came late on the second day and I surrendered.

15. Appear on Saturday Night Live (although I’ve been to the diner the famous ‘Cheeseburger cheeseburger cheeseburger’ sketches were based on. Twice.  It’s in Chicago, if you’re interested.  

16. Watch an episode of Downton Abbey (nor do I know anyone who has ever seen an episode of Downton Abbey).

17. Understand a single thing about chemistry.

18. Parachute, paraglide or parasail.

19. Play poker (not even strip poker; in high school I simplified and played strip war).

20. Understand the rules of poker (Duh!).

21. Win the lottery.

22. Watch all 238 minutes of Gone with the Wind from start to finish in one sitting.

23. Understand what anyone sees in post-NFL Michael Strahan.

24. Try out for a television game show (but I’m pretty good playing at home but no doubt would totally suck in front of a studio audience).

25. Appreciate the humor of Monty Python.

26. Roast chestnuts on an open fire.

27. Have Sex on the Beach (the mixed drink).

28.  Kick myself in the a** for not coming up with the idea for The Walking Dead.

29.  Shoot a gun while drinking a beer.

30.  Shoot a gun at a beer can.

31.  Shotgun a beer.

32.  Bring up religion or politics in conversation (if we’ve ever spoken, you’re welcome).

33.  Eat a Thin Mint Girl Scout cookie.

34.  Read anyone’s lips (unless they’re saying ‘vacuum’ ever so slowly).

35.  Willingly or knowingly eat a Jalapeno pepper.

36.  Read an entire issue of Playboy magazine.

37.  Go over the river and through the woods to get to my grandmother’s house.

38.  Drink coffee after dinner (lunch either, for that matter).

39.  Travel to South America, Asia or the Soviet Union (of the three there’s only one I would even consider…).

40.  Limbo.

41. Start a fire/burn an ant with a magnifying glass.

42.  Help tear down a goal post after a big win.  (After further review, I DID do that.  In 1984.  Florida – 27, Georgia – 0.)

43. Turn down an opportunity to take a pot shot at the University of Georgia (reference #42 above).

44.  Engage in a duel (the proximity of this to #42 is merely a coincidence).

45.  Throw an honest-to-goodness knuckleball.

46.  Hit an honest-to-goodness knuckleball.

47.  Understand the physics behind an honest-to-goodness knuckleball.

48.  Understand physics period.

49.  Lose well.

50. Siphon gas.

51.  Accept the ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ rule (thanks to you, neighbor).

52.  Learn the metric system (although I’m quite adept at ordering a pint).

53.  Say anything nice about Bobby Petrino (seriously now, has anyone?).

54.  Fear fear itself (there has always been a reason).

55.  Call a time out (as much as I would like to on a daily basis) .

56.  Eat an elephant one bite at a time.

57.  Refrain from laughing when there’s a fart on television.

58. Comprehend how MIlli Vanilli got away with it for so long.

59.  Speak a foreign language (but I can count to 10 in French, Dutch and German; the numbers will be in order but the language may vary from one number to the next).

60.  Pitch a tent because it was something I absolutely wanted to do.

61.  Land a triple gainer from the high dive.

62.  Land a double gainer from the high dive.

63.  Attempt a triple gainer or a double gainer from the high dive (certainly you didn’t confuse me with Greg Louganis, did you?).

64.  Sculpt.

65.  Meet a man from Nantucket.

66.  Intentionally make any type of physical contact with a cockroach.

67.  Understand what Sting considers to be ‘tantric sex.’

68.  Have anything bad to say about Tim Tebow.

69. Get a tattoo.

70.  Distinguish one fireworks display from another (I guess they’re like snowflakes; they’re all inherently different but look exactly the same).

71.  Plunge to a new low (because consistency is my game).

72.  Drop down and give anyone 10 (even 5 would be a push).

73.  Watch an entire episode of American Idol, The Voice or Dancing with the Stars (and darn proud of it).

74.  Be late to the party (I’m always on time and yes it’s a curse but I’ve learned to live with it and in a perfect world everyone else would be on time as well but sadly I realize that is not the case just as it will always be expected of some people to compose ridiculously long run-on sentences that lose a reader’s interest by the time the sentence reaches its inevitable conclusion.  Amen.).

75.  Have this thought: ‘Gee; today would be a good day to go to the opera.’

76.  Go to the opera.

77.  Be the class valid Victorian.  I mean valedictorian. 

78.  Catch a break.

79.  Wish I were a professional soccer player.

80.  Wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener (even as a boy…).

81.  Remember how much is ‘fourscore and seven years.’

82.  Throw a 90-mile an hour fastball (80-mile an hour neither; actually, anything over 55.  Yes, I have never thrown over the legal speed limit.).

83.  Make sense of it all.

84.  Sing Bohemian Rhapsody in its entirety sitting in the back seat of a police car like that drunk guy did (if you get a chance, YouTube it sometime).

85.  Party all the time (Eddie Murphy might be able to; probably because he’s Gumby, dammit!).

86.  Find what I’m looking for.

87.  Realize I lost it in the first place.

88.  Avoid sushi, particularly the round ones that look like the butt of a tiny dog.

89.  Roll through a stop sign.

90.  (continued from #89 above) At more than three miles an hour.

91.  Say, hear or think of ‘Land Shark’ or ‘Candy Gram’ without laughing inside. 

92.  Give a second thought to teaching the world to sing in perfect harmony; I wouldn’t know where to start.

93.  Substitute ‘my bad’ for ‘I’m sorry.’

94.  Crave chocolate.

95.  Trip and fall gracefully (violently perhaps, but definitely not gracefully—I present the scar from 13 stitches to the chin as People’s Exhibit #1).

96.  Disappear (except for the time I played hide-and-seek with my grandson and jumped in the bathtub and hid behind the shower curtain because on that day I freakin’ vanished!).

97.  Trust a groundhog from Pennsylvania for a weather forecast, regardless of the date.

98.  Inhale (Seriously; the thought of having any black death inside my lungs frightens me!)

99.  Successfully drive in reverse with a trailer hitched to the back…except when I drive to Jackknife City which is right across town from Whatwereyouthinking Town. 

100.                Run 135 miles across Death Valley in 130+ degree heat.  (I’m lying; I totally did that.)