Napping Artiste

In my world sleep is a luxury. 

Granted, my lack of sleep is self-imposed—nobody makes me get up at 3 a.m. every day (4:00 a.m. on weekends!) to run—but after almost 40 years of getting no more than *40 hours of sleep a week, I speak the truth when I say that sleep is indeed a luxury. (*Some weeks 40 hours is a pipe dream.)

But every dark cloud has a silver lining.  I may not get much sleep (my dark cloud), but I’ve found a way to turn this deficiency into a positive: I’ve taken my self-inflicted narcoleptic tendencies and used them to turn power napping into an art form (my silver lining).   You might even call me the Rembrandt of Naps. 

Some of my more memorable moments are presented here to illustrate my mastery of the Fine Art of Napping.  I’ll begin with a couple naps you and I might have in common and end with several that solidify my standing amongst the best nap-takers of all time. 

But first, the rating scale:

Z – Chances are good you may have taken the exact same nap at some point in your life.

ZZ – Might raise a couple of eyebrows, particularly in a really large crowd of people.

ZZZ – Takes the ‘cat’ out of ‘cat nap.’

ZZZZ - If people were paid for taking naps, this would make you a professional.

ZZZZZ - Guaranteed to withstand the impending Zombie Apocalypse.

In a movie theater (Z) – These days if I go to a movie theater, it’s because (a) I really, really want to see the movie or (b) I’m taking my grandson to see the newest Pixar flick.  Either way, the risk of intentionally and/or unintentionally falling asleep is practically nonexistent.  That wasn’t the case in 1982 when another couple insisted Cindy and I go with them to see Blade Runner.  I was stone cold OUT before the movie was halfway over.  If ‘straight to DVD’ movies were around in 1982, Blade Runner should have been one of them.  Ditto every science fiction movie made after Blade Runner.  And before (Sorry, fans of The Matrix, Star Wars, Star Trek and any other SciFi on the screen today.  Except for Alien and all of its sequels, of course).    

On an airplane (Z) – It’s not unusual to see a passenger on an airplane taking a nap.  I myself have been known (Surprise!) to take a nap or two while flying the friendly skies.  But I do my best napping with the plane still on the ground and passengers busy playing overhead compartment roulette with their luggage.  The minute I find my seat, fasten my buckle and lean back I’ve got my head in the clouds.  Even if the tires are still on the runway (and the seats still in the upright position!).  After all, I’m a professional.

In the car (Z) – Often I’ve found myself sitting behind the steering wheel with some free time on my hands.  I can’t think of a better time to lean the seat back and catch a few winks before getting back on the road.  Waiting for the boys (when they were in fact still boys) to get out of school…waiting for the boys to finish practice (on the rare occasion I wasn’t coaching their teams)…waiting for the traffic light to turn green.   Nothing all of you haven’t done before, I imagine.

During a track workout (ZZ) – This only happened once, but I was quite impressed with myself when it did.  I was doing a hard workout on the track—my partner and I were running ½ mile repeats on the track.  Every ½-mile we would take a 200-meter walk to catch our breaths before running the next ½-mile.  About 40 minutes into our workout we stopped so my partner could talk to a friend of his who stopped by.  Panting like a rabid dog, I laid down on the asphalt track and beneath a blazing hot sun on a 95-degree summer day, I promptly fell asleep.  That wasn’t the impressive part; that would come 20 minutes later when my partner woke me up and I was able to run the remaining four ½-mile as if I’d never stopped.  Of course that was over 30 years ago.  If I were to do the same thing today, rigor mortis would set in if I stopped in the middle of a track workout for even a minute and tried to run again.  Fortunately for me I no longer do track workouts.  But I still wake up in the middle of a deep and restful sleep to run.  Every day, in fact.  No rest for the weary (only naps). 

Prior to the start of a race (ZZ) – This only happened once.  It was just before the Silver Comet 50K (31 miles) in the winter of 2006.  It was bitter cold and there was a steady, driving rain only made worse by the 20 MPH winds accompanying it.  I fell asleep in my car beneath a barrage of rain that had turned to sleet, only to be woken up by a knock on my window by a friend who didn’t want me to miss the start of the race.  Against my better judgment I got out of the car, froze my a** off walking to the starting line…and ran one of the best races of my life, setting a state age group record in the process.  Talk about a power nap…

In the middle of a performance by Dionne Warwick, an Atlanta Braves game and every jazz concert I’ve ever been to (ZZZ) – I would call these the ‘Blade Runners’ of singers, sporting events and instrumental bands, respectively.  Excuse my boredom, but these things are just not worth being awake for and I would much rather use the two-and-a-half hours for doing other more exciting things.  Like sleeping.

In the middle of a haircut (ZZZ) – Not nearly as difficult as it seems.  Just make sure your head bobs AWAY from the clippers and scissors, and not TOWARDS them.  Note: There is a possibility you will leave the barber/beauty shop with a new look.  The bright side: You’ve created a new look that others will want.  The down side: You may want to stay home until it grows back. 

In the middle of a sermon (ZZZZ) – This only happened once, and it was during a particularly long message given by our pastor.  (Please note: This is NOT the church I currently attend.  Swear to God.)  It also wasn’t my fault, as Cindy knows darn well it’s her job to nudge me in the side when she sees me drifting off in church and on this particular Sunday morning she let her guard down and didn’t notice my eyes were closed and my breathing was, let’s say ‘rather labored.’  Those two I can forgive.  However, I can’t forgive her not noticing my chin repeatedly bouncing off of my chest…especially when everyone else sitting in my aisle and the aisles behind me were fascinated because I never even fell out of my chair.  Guess they didn’t realize they were witnessing a professional. 

During a parent-teacher-student conference (ZZZZ) – This happened when my older son Justin was in the second grade.  The teacher had some concerns and invited Cindy and I to stop by after school to discuss them.  I tried my best, but after 20 minutes everything the teacher said became ‘blah blah blah’ in my head and I promptly nodded off (my defense mechanism against utter boredom).  Honest mistake, and what she had to say (much like an Atlanta Braves game) just wasn’t worth being awake for.  That evening at dinner Justin told his younger brother Josh that ‘daddy fell asleep in school today.’  Up until then I thought I had gotten away with my little indiscretion.  Speaking of indiscretions: Several months after the conference the teacher was relieved of her duties for an incident involving her, the vice principal and his desk.  

At the dentist’s office (Z, ZZZZZ) – Falling asleep in the waiting room happens all the time, thus the single ‘Z.’  Falling asleep during a procedure—regular cleaning, filling a cavity, getting a root canal, cracking my jaw for a dental implant…it matters not—is what separates the professionals from the amateurs.  Definitely ‘ZZZZZ’ territory, and definitely not for the faint of heart.  It’s what separates the men from the boys, and I’m proud to say I’ve slept through every single one of them.   

You can expect nothing less from an artiste.