Dream Sequence

Dream Sequence

I had my second book signing today at the Books-A-Million in Peachtree City.  The first one at the Barnes and Noble at Atlanta last month was a minor success.  I was hoping for more this time around, seeing as I was a seasoned veteran of the book-signing circuit and all.  I have to say, I wasn’t disappointed.

When I arrived at the store 20 minutes early for my 3 to 5 p.m. event, finding a butt in every seat in the house (the ‘house’ in this case being the coffee shop seating area inside the bookstore) as well as a clamoring of people—most of them with my book A Few Degrees from Hell firmly in their grasp—milling around the perimeter of the store.  A large table and overstuffed leather chair awaited me at the front of the faux arena, the sounds of nervous chatter and anticipation from my adoring fans filling the store.  Mountains of copies of my book were stacked on either side of the table, fairly impressive considering many copies of my book had already been sold prior to my arrival.  I could only imagine how many copies the store manager had ordered in preparation for my appearance.  One thousand?  Two thousand?  A safe bet would be somewhere in between.

As 3:00 rolled around, there was a standing-room only crowd throughout the entire store.  I noticed through the plate glass windows surrounding the store that a line had formed outside on the sidewalk.  A Fire Marshall had been called to the store to ensure that the ‘maximum capacity’ code was being enforced.  I noticed out of the corner of my eye as I was about to speak that one of the patrons threw a punch at the Marshall, apparently frustrated at being the first person to be denied entry to the store to hear my spoken words.  Apparently for this fan my written words just weren’t enough.  I felt slightly embarrassed as a police officer cuffed her in full view of the hundreds of people who had assembled to hear me speak, obtain my autograph or in most cases both. 

Although I wasn’t paid for my appearance, I couldn’t help but think during the 45 minutes I spoke that if only my marketing consultant had worked out a deal that I was paid for every ‘ooh,’ ‘ahh’ and uproarious moments of laughter and/or amazement I could quite possibly have retired by the time 5:00 p.m. rolled around.

At the end of my talk there were numerous questions from the audience.  I am your biggest fan—would you dedicate your next book to me?  No, I am your biggest fan; if anyone has your next book dedicated to them it should be me! (Note: This caused the person asking the first question to engage in fisticuffs and also be escorted out of the store by the police officer.)  Would it be OK to name my first son after you?  (I said ‘certainly,’ which led to…) Would it be OK to name my first AND second son after you?   I would like to pose nude for your next book cover. (Note: I said ‘certainly.’  She happened to be a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.  I told her I would think about it, and she should leave her business card.)

After an exhausting hour or so of questions, the appearance concluded with paying customers waiting in line for me to sign their copy (or copies, in most cases) of my book.  Some customers bought as many as a dozen books, each one requiring a personalized message from ‘the greatest author of the 21^st century,’ according to almost every single on of them.  My favorite:

Dear Rob,

Although it’s flattering for you to think reading my book was the primary reason for your parents’ reconciliation, your acceptance into Harvard and your sister being crowned homecoming queen, I have to believe there was something more to it than that.  My guess is your parents, the Harvard admissions officer and the high school homecoming committee may have all quite possibly read my book as well. 

All I’m saying is this: Don’t give me all of the credit for the good things in your world.  Just know that I most likely am the main reason for all your blessings.

Happy reading! 

Scott

Once the line came to a merciful end (it was now well past 7:00 p.m.), the store manager and the Chief Executive Officer of Books-A-Million appeared to thank me for saving the store!  They told me their home office was considering closing down this particular branch but that today’s sales had bought them another three or four years to turn things around.  They couldn’t thank me enough.  Slightly embarrassed, I had to turn down their offer for a month-long all-expenses-paid vacation in Costa Rica for Cindy and I and told them their thanks was all that mattered. 

Their thanks, and the many tokens of appreciation from my adoring fans that included:

·      Lifetime season tickets to all of the University of Florida football AND basketball games.

·      Tickets to the Super Bowl (I turned them down; I hate professional sports.).

·      Free coffee at Starbucks for the rest of my life (I turned this one down as well.).

·      Free Nike running shoes for the rest of my life (If you know my opinion of Nike, you have a very good idea where I put his copy of my book.).

·      Lifetime season tickets to all of the University of Florida football and basketball games (Yes, another customer offered them as well.  I accepted and later sold them for a cool 50 grand.).

·      A two-month all-expenses paid vacation in Costa Rica. 

These were just the tip of the iceberg.  I randomly calculated the cash value of my tokens of appreciation at somewhere in the neighborhood of $2.5 million (I assumed a lifetime of 80 years to derive the value of the ‘lifetime’ gifts.).

I was home by 8:00 p.m., content with the events of this afternoon.  I spent the rest of the night pondering a book I’ve been thinking about writing in the future. 

It will be my first work of fiction.  How am I doing so far?