Ever since yoga was recommended by the neurosurgeon,
I’ve been getting a lot of pressure from my co-workers about getting on the
bendy bandwagon. Here’s a perfect
example of the type of support I get from them.
When I returned from lunch the very next day after yoga entered into the
equation, I found my bulletin board covered in pictures of Darth Vader and
assorted cats in various yoga positions.
Oh, and a yoga mat for good measure.
Since I’m about as flexible as a breadstick I’ll be
honest and admit I’ve been putting yoga off as long as I could. Well, not necessarily putting it off but
using this as an excuse: ‘I’ve ordered Yoga
for Dummies from Amazon and I’m going to get started once it arrives.’ That plan came to a screeching halt when my
admin Susanne left a copy of Yoga 101:
Poses for Beginners on my desk yesterday afternoon. So last night while South Carolina was
playing North Carolina in the first game of the college football season, I was
in front of the television getting on my inner yogi (Yogi: practitioner of
yoga. Impressed? Me, too.).
Here how it went down.
People, make way for YOGA BEAR!!!
Mountain
Pose.
Stand tall with feet together, shoulders relaxed, weight evenly
distributed through your soles, arms at side.
Take a deep breath and raise your hands overhead, palms facing each
other with arms straight. Reach up
toward the sky with your fingertips.
Reality check: Stand at attention and hold your arms
above your head as if you were getting ready to enter the water after jumping
off the high dive at the swimming pool.
As simple as it sounds, my shoulders started burning after 30 seconds or
so. I was under the impression yoga
involved sitting on the floor, stretching slightly and meditating with incense
burning nearby. Boy, did I have another
thing coming.
Downward Dog. Start on all
fours with hands directly under shoulders, knees under hips. Walk hands a few inches forward and spread
fingers wide, pressing palms into mat.
Curl toes under and slowly press hips toward ceiling, bringing your body
into an inverted V, pressing shoulders away from ears. Feet should be hip-width apart, knees
slightly bent. Hold for three full
breaths.
Reality check: Hold your body in ‘ready’ position as
if you were about to do a pushup, then arch your body into a 90-degree
angle. Once I finished doing the
Downward Dog I thought my chances of winning a bet with my friend Al were
looking better and better. A couple days ago we bet who would be able to
touch their toes sooner. Al’s starting
point, according to him was eight inches from the ground. Mine was halfway down my shin. In other words, we’re starting dead
even.
Warrior. Stand with
legs three to four feet apart, turning right foot out 90 degrees and left foot
in slightly. Bring your hands to your
hips and relax your shoulders, then extend arms out to the sides, palm
down. Bend right knee 90 degrees,
keeping knee over ankle; gaze out over right hand. Stay for one minute. Switch sides and repeat.
Reality check: If I knew there was this much geometry
in yoga I might have opted for Pilates, the neurosurgeon’s second option. I think I might need a protractor. I wonder if they even still make protractors.
Tree Pose. Stand with
arms at sides. Shift weight onto left
leg and place sole of right foot inside left thigh, keeping hips facing
forward. Once balanced, bring hands in
front of you in prayer position, palms together. On an inhalation, extend arms over shoulders,
palms separated and facing each other.
Stay for 30 seconds. Lower and
repeat on opposite side.
Reality check: Very similar to the Mountain Pose
described earlier, except one of the legs must be tucked as if you were on the
receiving end of a Figure Four Leg Lock (wrestling lexicon; Google if you
must).
Bridge Pose. Lie on floor
with knees bent and directly over heels.
Place arms at sides, palm down.
Exhale, then press feet into floor as you lift hips. Clasp hands under lower back and press arms
down, lifting hips until thighs are parallel to floor, bringing chest toward
chin. Hold for one minute.
Reality check: Lie on your back, forming a bridge with
your torso while keeping your head, shoulders and feet on the floor. I think back to what Sheldon wrote on an
Email to the work staff yesterday afternoon as he left for a four-day holiday
weekend: ‘Enjoy
your holiday weekend, and remember that yoga breaks the man law! It can be found
in chapter 16 of the Man Law book.’ Before he left for the day I took the time to
show him Part 1 of this book;
specifically the chapter titled ‘Man Card’ highlighting umbrella drinks, Meryl
Streep movies and women’s basketball without any mention of yoga.
Triangle Pose. Extend arms out to sides, then bend over your
right leg. Stand with feet about three
feet apart, toes on your right foot turned out to 90 degrees, left foot to 45
degrees. Allow your right hand to touch
the floor or rest on your right leg below or above the knee, and extend the
fingertips of your left hand toward the ceiling. Turn your gaze toward the ceiling, and hold
for five breaths. Stand and repeat on
opposite side.
Reality
check: Lean to the right, touch your right foot with your right hand and point
your left arm at the ceiling. Then do
just the opposite. I think back to the
other day when I told Cindy ‘Yoga do I must’ and she told me speaking like Yoda
had nothing to do with practicing yoga.
As much as I crack myself up all the time, I don’t have that same effect
on Cindy.
Seated Twist. Sit on the floor with your legs
extended. Cross right foot over outside
of left thigh; bend left knee. Keep
right knee pointed toward ceiling. Place
left elbow to the outside of right knee and right hand on the floor behind
you. Twist right as far as you can,
moving from your abdomen; keep both sides of your butt on the floor. Stay for one minute. Switch sides and repeat.
Reality
check: Sit on your butt and tie yourself into a pretzel. Do you know what happens when you take a
breadstick and try to bend it into the shape of a pretzel? Yeah, pretty much just like that except with
a human body. I’m going to be sore
tomorrow; I just know it.
Cobra. Lie face down on the floor with thumbs
directly under shoulders, legs extended with the tops of your feet on the
floor. Tighten your pelvic floor, and
tuck hips downward as you squeeze your glutes.
Press shoulders down and away from ears.
Push through your thumbs and index fingers as you raise your chest
toward the wall in front of you. Relax
and repeat.
Reality
check: Lay flat on the floor and push upwards as if you were trying to bend
yourself backwards; sort of an inverse Japanese greeting bow. Physically impossible for anyone not performing
for Cirque du Soleil and certainly not recommended for any other human being,
this one proved to be the most difficult for a person with the flexibility of a
ladder.
Pigeon Pose. Begin in full push-up position, palms aligned
under shoulders. Place left knee on the
floor near shoulder with left heel by right hip. Lower down to forearms and bring right leg
down with the top of the foot on the floor.
Keep chest lifted to the wall in front of you, gazing down. If you’re more flexible, bring chest down to
floor and extend arms in front of you (Note: Not intended for me.) Pull navel in toward spine and tighten your
pelvic floor muscles; contract right side of glutes. Yadda yadda yadda blah
blah blah. Curl right toes under while
pressing ball of foot into the floor, pushing through your heel. Bend knee to floor and release; do five reps
total, then switch sides and repeat.
Reality
check: These instructions were harder to follow than the instructions I used to
build a gym set for our boys when they were kids. And those instructions were written in
Japanese. Did you notice ‘yadda yadda
yadda blah blah blah’ in the previous paragraph? What?
You didn’t? Good Lord…I knew it--I’ve lost you!
Please come back; I only have two more to go….
Crow Pose:
Get into downward dog position and walk feet forward until knees touch your
arms. Bend your elbows, lift heel off
floor, and rest knees against the outside of your upper arms. Keep toes on floor, abs engaged and legs
pressed against arms. Hold for five to
ten breaths.
Reality
check: If you were talented enough to be able to stand on your head, this is
the last position you would be in before you were perpendicular to the
floor. (Does that make sense, because as
I’m looking at the illustration I think I did a masterful job of translating
yoga-speak into layman’s terms, if I do say so myself.) Said so I did, be it so it must (another
Yoda-ism).
Child’s Pose. Sit up comfortably on your heels. Roll your torso forward, bringing your
forehead to rest on the bed in front of you.
Lower your chest as close to your knees as you comfortably can,
extending your arms in front of you.
Hold the pose and breathe.
Reality
check: This final position called for the use of a bed. Turn out the lights; the party’s over.
This
morning when I woke up I was surprisingly sore.
Surprisingly sore as hell, in fact.
Don’t
bother to call me Yoga Bear; it just doesn’t fit. I’ll stick with the yoga because I want to
touch my toes before Al, as well as improve my running and general health. But in the future you might want to call me
by my new nickname:
Boo-Boo
Bear.
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