Sweet Tooth

I wrote an inquiry recently to Little Debbie, makers of the most perfect lunchtime dessert in the history of mankind: Fancy Cakes, a two-pack of square vanilla cupcakes covered with vanilla icing with a layer of vanilla cream running through them.  Not only are they a vanilla lover’s dream, they are also packaged FIVE TO A BOX: One package for each day of the workweek!  I’ve been enjoying them going on 35 years now as I eat a two-pack every day at lunch Monday through Friday.  I figure I’m closing in on my 9,000^th pack in the next year or so.  Anyway, I’ve had trouble finding them in the grocery stores the past couple of months.   In fact the store where I could always count on finding them, the Peachtree City Wal-Mart now has another Little Debbie product in the slot once reserved for my precious Fancy Cakes.  The.  Horror.  After four or five weeks of not being able to find a new supply (Note: I normally buy four or five boxes at one time and freeze them, although to be totally honest I believe Fancy Cakes have the shelf life of Twinkies.  In other words, they last forever.  I should have stocked up on them as if we might one day experience a zombie apocalypse.  Shame on me.) I wrote an inquiry to Little Debbie to tell them of my plight, including how I’ve been a lifelong fan and perhaps was the finest connoisseur of the most exquisite dessert on earth.  I eagerly awaited a reply, hoping for the best (more on that in a moment) and expecting at the very least a specific location I could purchase Fancy Cakes.  Their reply was simply to thank me for my support and wish me luck finding them in my area because they were in fact still producing Fancy Cakes.  Rats.  Here is what I was hoping they’d say:

Dear Scott,

We at Little Debbie are pleased to know of your loyal support to our products over the years.  You have our utmost apologies with respect to your inability to find Fancy Cakes in the stores in your area.   Our number one priority is keeping our loyal customers happy.  With that in mind we want your blessing to move forward with the following:

·      Provide you with a lifetime supply of Fancy Cakes.  This will be accomplished by shipping you a box fresh from the bakery each week so you will have Fancy Cakes to enjoy with your lunch every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday for the rest of your life. 

·      Set up a photo shoot with you and our Little Debbie model (a former Miss Universe) in Costa Rica (we’ll take care of the expense) to launch a brand new marketing campaign centered around the promotion of Fancy Cakes, ‘The Perfect Lunchtime Dessert.’

·      Include you in the distribution of royalties generated by the sales of every box of Fancy Cakes sold all over the world.  It only seems fair.

Please let us know if our plan meets with your approval.  If so, plan on spending two weeks in Costa Rica very soon.  February, perhaps.  Better yet, why don’t you let us know when you’re available.   

Warmest regards and thanking you for your continued support,

XXXXXXXXXX

President, Little Debbie Worldwide

That, my friends is customer service!   Little Debbie, I’ll be waiting by the phone.