Stretch of the Imagination

After just over six weeks of religious devotion to my new yoga regimen (10 minutes a day might not sound like much, but over the course of a year it would amount to two-and-a-half straight days of the Downward Dog, the Cobra and the numerous other poses I’ve learned), I am already able to touch my toes.  Let me repeat that in case you didn’t see it on ESPN today: I am already able to touch my toes!

To be totally honest I thought the odds of that happening were slightly less than the odds of hosting the Academy Awards (Damn you, Billy Crystal) or swimming the English Channel (that would be a challenge without having the edge of the pool to hold onto every 50 yards).  So if you ask me if I’m surprised to learn of my newfound superpower, the answer would be ‘yes.’   I imagine it’s only a matter of time ‘til I develop X-Ray vision and begin seeing through things (except things made of lead, of course; even Superman couldn’t see through lead).  

 

Now that ‘touching my toes’ is scratched off of my list of ‘Things I Never Dreamed I’d be able To Do,’ let’s take a look and see what might be next in line:

·      Do a flip off of the diving board.  Try as I might, I could never get my body to flip 360 degrees and enter the swimming pool head first.  Ninety degrees would allow me to land on my back, 180 degrees on my a** and 270 degrees would result in the dreaded belly flop; I should know—I mastered all three of them.  Forty years ago.  Old dog does not equal new trick.  Odds of success:  About the same as a snowball in hell when the temperature reaches 200 degrees Fahrenheit (93 degrees Celsius for my European readers).    

·      Climb the suspended knotted rope all the way to the ceiling of the gymnasium.   If I remember correctly I never made it above that very first knot back in high school.  You know, the one at the very bottom of the rope you mount before you start your hand-over-hand climb towards the ceiling.   Odds of success: Snowball in hell at 300 degrees F (149 C).

·      Do a proper pull-up.  I’ve done plenty of improper pull-ups in my life, but never one deemed to be ‘correct.’  Apparently swinging your legs to gain momentum for the completion of a pull-up is considered unacceptable, inappropriate and makes lends support for those who can do a proper pull-up to refer to you as a ‘girly-man.’  Odds of success: Snowball in hell at 400 degrees F (204 C.  You’re welcome, mate.).

·      Stand on my head.  I get dizzy when I hang from an inversion bar to stretch out my spine.  I can’t imagine intentionally putting myself in a comparable position and unnecessarily placing 150 pounds of dead weight on the top of my head.  Odds of me even trying it: Snowball in hell at 3,133 degrees F (1,723 degrees C, or the temperature needed to melt sand to make glass).       

  

I can see this list is going nowhere fast.  I think I’ll get back to my stretching and focus on some new, seemingly unattainable goals.  Like bending over and touching both of my palms to the ground.  After that, bending over and touching my elbows to the ground.  Before you know it I’ll be able to bend over and touch my head to the ground. 

Then it will only be a matter of time until the sand starts to melt.