Orange and Blew

April 10, 2008

To: Athletic Director, Georgia Southern University

Dear Sir (or Madam),

I apologize in advance for not knowing your name/gender nor having the time to check if Google had the information, but I’ve been crazy busy lately. 

Let me begin by introducing myself.  My name is Jeremy Foley and I am the Athletic Director at the University of Florida.  I trust you’ve heard of me, seeing as how our football team has won two of the past three National Championships and our basketball team recently won two National Championships in a row.  There was even a time when my teams held both the football and basketball titles at the same time?  Did I say ‘my’ teams?  I of course meant ‘our’ teams; after all there’s no ‘I’ in ‘team.’  Am I right or am I right?  Besides I couldn’t have done it without the help of Urban Meyer or Billy Donovan.  Did I say ‘I’ again?  I meant ‘we,’ but you know what I mean.  However if you don’t know what I mean I’ll have to ask you to pay closer attention as I don’t have the time to keep explaining things to you.  I might have already mentioned I’m a very busy man.

Let me get back to the reason I’m writing.  It so happens we have an opening in our football schedule for 2013: November 23, to be exact.  As we will be closing out our season the following Saturday against Florida State, we are looking for an opponent that would be a worthy opponent—a quarter or so will do—to give some of our seniors who’ve never left the bench the opportunity to get in a few snaps of Division I football before they graduate.  We’ll do our level best to keep the score respectable: Somewhere in the neighborhood of 45 – 6 give or take a touchdown or two (ours, not yours).  Doesn’t that seem fair?  I happen to think it is, and I’m paid a lot of money to think so I have to assume I’m right.    

We would like to extend that offer to Georgia Southern.  It would be a great opportunity for your university to get exposure to big-time college football, a great opportunity for you to rub elbows with people like me, and a great opportunity for your players to rub shoulder pads with some prime-time college football players.  In return the University of Florida would be willing to pay your institution the tidy sum of $500,000.  According to what the University CFO told me that’s close to half a million dollars--and about what I earn in six months--so just think: You’ll get that for simply playing three hours of football in the Swamp!  You certainly don’t have a chance of winning the game but let me repeat: You’ll be playing in the Swamp!

I’d also be willing to give you a tour of the Heavener Football Complex where you’ll be able to see the many Championships, awards and honors bestowed upon our athletic program over the years.  Included in the tour will be the first public display of the ‘Midas Touch Award’ of which I am the first recipient (No, it’s not because I’m the highest paid Athletic Director in collegiate athletics!).  One night a couple weeks ago, just after our football team won the National Championship for the second time in three years my wife and I were at home watching DVD’s of the second season of Dharma and Greg (that Dharma is so wacky); I was drinking a glass of milk and my wife was polishing my teeth (Have I mentioned my ‘ivory collection’ rivals those of Gary Busey, John Elway and Mr. Ed?) when Molly mentioned everything I touched turned to gold.  From that simple observation the ‘Midas Touch Award’ was born (Molly also came up with ‘ivory collection.’  That Molly can be so wacky at times, it makes me want to call her ‘Dharma.’)    I’d venture a guess and say that by the time you visit our Heavener Complex there will be a few more National Championships on display, courtesy of one Urban Frank Meyer.  Hell, that’s not a guess: That’s a promise!

I hope to hear back from you soon, sir/madam.  I can almost feel your excitement as you read through this letter.  Let me be the first to say: You’re very welcome. 

Remember: While it may not be much more than an exhibition game for the University of Florida, know that it has the potential of being so much more for Georgia Southern University.

With the warmest of regards, I am,

Jeremy Foley

Athletic Director

Inaugural Recipient, Midas Touch Award

University of Florida

Gainesville, Florida     

Final Score: Georgia Southern – 26, Florida – 20

November 23, 2013