You Don't Want to Hear This

‘You don’t want to hear this.’

Not exactly what you want to hear your wife telling you after you drift off to sleep for the night.  

‘Then don’t tell me.’  It seemed like the right thing to say.  Obviously my words had no effect on her, because then this: 

‘Did you have a piece of that pie for dinner tonight, because if you did it had mold all over it?’

Believe me when I tell you this: Her words most definitely had an effect on me.

When I woke up this morning my stomach was making noises I’ve never heard before.  If I didn’t know better I would have thought two whales were actively engaged in an undersea mating ritual.

Cindy then told me about finding the mold on the strawberry/rhubarb pie she bought from a family bakery in (a small town north of Peachtree City) only three days ago (I won’t mention the bakery by name, but I’ve already given you one clue and now I’ll give you one more: It’s located very close to a fast food restaurant that sells death burgers.  OK, you beat it out of me: It’s Sonic.)   I wondered how an allegedly fresh pie could have mold on it so soon.  Cindy, knowing I wouldn’t spend one red cent in (a small town north of Peachtree City) if my life depended on it because it’s *a sh*thole of a town, started defending the bakery as their food had always been good in the past. 

*Actually (a small town north of Peachtree City) is a quaint little town; 
some might even consider it idyllic. 

It offers a wide variety of dining, shopping and entertainment options sure to satisfy almost everyone.  The people are friendly and hospitable; like the ones you might find in Mayberry on the old Andy Griffith show.

Regarding that last paragraph: I am totally lying.  It's a sh*thole.

I’m hearing her say this as I’m wondering to myself if I had consumed enough mold to kill me.  After all I never even noticed any mold as I had mindlessly cut a piece of pie, threw it in the microwave for 30 seconds and buried it under three (maybe four) scoops of vanilla ice cream.  I had no earthly idea how much mold I might have ingested. 

So how did I feel this morning?  Thank you for asking.

Let’s see; there were stomach pains, a touch of vertigo and a hint of nausea.  Going out for a run in the cool morning air provided temporary relief; afterwards all three of them came right back, and they all brought their big brothers with them. 

I’ve always been told to eat a lot of yogurt because it’s filled with bacteria; the kind of bacteria that eats the stuff you don’t want roaming around in your stomach.  I’m guessing the Tyrone family bakery’s ‘special frosting’ falls into that category.

God willing and the creek don’t rise, I won’t die in my sleep tonight. 

The town slogan of (a small town north of Peachtree City), I believe.