*Formerly known as Random
Thoughts and a FFFYPDK
First,
why the name change? Two reasons: (1)
Why not? (2) No one suggested anything
better.
Next,
why is it called junk mail? Like most
junk mail it’s not imperative that you read it, unless you’re into 90-minute
timeshare presentations, extending your magazine subscriptions or saving the
planet, one dime at a time. However, if
you’re a glutton for punishment, then junk mail is right up your alley (as
you’ll soon find out).
·
My grandson (barely two months into first grade)
and I were in the yard the other day when he noticed a mushroom growing in a
flower pot. I told him I didn’t remember
him planting any mushroom seeds, and he proceeded to tell me about fungus and
spores and that there are no such things as mushroom seeds. I immediately realized my days of making sh*t
up when I’m explaining things to my grandson are over.
·
Why isn’t there a merit badge in Boy Scouts for
cynicism? They already give one for golf
and it’s almost the same thing. And by
‘almost the same thing’ I mean ‘equally invaluable.’
·
A couple phrases I heard lately worth sharing:
I
laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Eating
makeup won’t make you look pretty on the inside.
Stupid
should hurt.
·
My dentist said I needed a crown and I was like
‘I know, right?’
·
I always get a kick out of a doctor taking an
X-ray of some part of my body and saying ‘as you can clearly see’ while showing
me what appears to be a Rorschach test. The only thing I clearly see is that he
doesn’t understand I didn’t graduate from medical school. Hell, I just barely passed the MCAT.
·
On a similar note, I have the same sense of
being lost in space when our IT guy at work explains to me what is wrong with
my computer. Here’s what I literally
hear him saying: ‘Blah blah blah blah BLAH blah blah BLAH fixed now BLAH blah
blah.’ At some point—usually after the 8th
or 9th ‘blah’ I click on the mouse, verify the fix is in place and
say ‘thank you,’ which he may or not hear depending on whether or not he is
finished talking.
·
My friend’s 89-year old stepfather lives in a
bedroom at the back of her house. The
other day she walked in the front door and he met her in the middle of the
house brandishing a loaded gun saying ‘next time let me know you’re in the
house.’ I told her the next time she
needed someone to feed her dogs while she was away to let me know. I have a long list of people I could send over.
·
If I were President of the United States I would
designate the Bull Sh*t Police (BSP).
They would be responsible for literally doling out bitch slaps to anyone
engaged in bull sh*t. Immediately coming
to mind are people who don’t use their turn signals, fail to remove their hats
during the Pledge of Allegiance at
sporting events and/or exceed the limit in the express lane at the
supermarket. Interested in being one of
the BSP? The line starts here.
·
___________________________________________________________
(Official BSP signup line)
·
My favorite song changes all the time. Today it’s Conquistador by Procul Harum.
Last week it was Deep Purple’s Woman
from Tokyo. I blame this conundrum on
ear wax. I blame my use of the word
‘conundrum’ on a desire to appear much smarter than I actually am. I blame ear wax on Q-tips.
·
This morning I found a Brussel sprout in my
pocket. It may have been there for a
while since it was my back pocket and I don’t have a reason to go there very
often other than to check for Brussel sprouts.
·
I used to carry a rabbit’s foot around for
luck. Actually it was four feet as they
were still connected to the rabbit.
Technically it wasn’t a rabbit, but a rat with really long ears and
missing a tail. Long story. Probably best you forget I mentioned this
altogether.
·
The world would be a better place if no one
spoke during a Barry White song.
·
Does anyone else think when sideline reporters
speak during college football telecasts it is the verbal equivalent of ‘tripping
over your own d*ck.’ (That would be figuratively speaking, Ron
Jeremy. Not literally.) As President I would make this Priority One
for my newly-created BSP.
·
It would be cool if every so often the Star Spangled Anthem was replaced by In A Gadda Da Vida. Not the short version; rather the 17-minute
one they play on the satellite stations.
·
When people used to ask me ‘Do you know what I
don’t understand?’ I would always say
‘Logarithms?’ I have since replaced
‘logarithms’ with ‘the spread offense.’
It works just as well. That is to
say using the phrase, not the spread offense.
I still lean towards the triple option.
·
Empire
is nothing more than a musical version of Dynasty
minus the Moldavian Wedding Massacre. So
far, anyway.
·
The more I read on WebMD, the sicker I
feel. I have WebMDmentia.
·
Silence, please.
I hear You’re the First, My Last, My
Everything playing in the other room.
·
For those of you confused by ‘I laughed so hard
tears ran down my leg,’ give it time. One
day you’ll understand. Everyone does,
eventually.
·
I heard a rule of thumb when it comes to spring
cleaning: If you haven’t worn or used something in a year you should get rid of
it. When I mentioned this to someone
they suggested something I should get rid of.
I responded by telling them I still needed it to laugh.
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