Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts and AFFFYPDK*

Occasionally I have a few ideas I’d like to work into a story but don’t really have enough material to do them justice. When this happens I consolidate them all up into a neat little package, put bullet points next to them and call it a day. Let’s call this package ‘Thursday,’ shall we?

• What would you call someone who sits in their car waiting for the stop sign to turn green? No particular reason; just asking.

• Can you imagine how much more pleasant the world would be if everyone spoke to one another in their animal voice? You know, the voice you use to speak to a puppy or a kitten? ‘You’re just so cute—I want to pick you up and take you home with me.’ On second thought scratch that.

• Just my opinion: People shouldn’t post on social media if they’re intoxicated, stuck in intolerable traffic or wanting to opine about politics, religion and a host of other opinionated topics. Again, just my opinion.

• I’ve considered writing a story based entirely on sarcasm but am afraid people who don’t know me well would think I was being serious. That would definitely bother me and I would probably have it on my conscience until the day I die.

• The English language can be pretty confusing. For example the words ‘close’ and ‘clothes.’ Two words sounding exactly alike with two entirely different meanings and to make matters worse, one is a verb and one is a noun. ‘I’m going to close the door so I can put on some clothes.’ Well played, Merriam and/or Webster, well played.

• On that same topic, there are words in the English language spelled entirely with vowels (‘a, e, I, o, u and sometimes y’). ‘Eye,’ for example. And ‘I,’ not to mention ‘you.’ As for words spelled completely with consonants, the only one that comes to mind is the name of that villain in Superman comic books, Mr. Mxyzptlk. Don’t bother looking for it in the dictionary because you won’t find it; Superman didn’t crash land in Kansas until after both Merriam and Webster were long gone.

• Once a player named Billy Grabarkewitz played for the Los Angeles Dodgers. Manager Walter Alston called him ‘Billy Alphabet.’ Walter Alston, albeit clever in his own mind, was an idiot. Billy Alphabet was actually a janitor in Des Moines, Iowa at the time and sued Alston for defamation of character since Graberkewitz didn’t know the first thing about using a mop and essentially made a mockery of the janitorial profession.

• A worldwide survey of radio stations conducted by Billboard magazine indicates Everybody Loves a Clown is the most-played song of all time. Apparently the survey included the number of times Gary Lewis and all of his Playboys played that song on their turntables in the ‘60’s.

• A majority of the general population has no idea what a turntable is. Nor do they have any recollection of the ‘60’s. Nor have they ever heard Everybody Loves a Clown, for that matter.

• I wrote a check for my groceries at the store the other day and everyone around me was so busy staring at me they didn’t notice the man standing right next to me was naked. Not only that, he also had a tail.

• People ask me where I get my sarcasm from. I tell them I got it where I get almost everything these days: Walmart. Please don’t tell me you found someone who can beat their price.

• No one has actually ever read War and Peace in its entirety. Two pages of the manuscript were never printed when the novel was originally published in 1869. Leo Tolstoy never did forgive Xerox for that one.

• The Sahara Desert is nothing more than a really big mirage. Sort of like Las Vegas, but without the night clubs, casinos and hustlers (the guys who try to hustle your money in the night clubs and casinos). Those three things, plus hookers.

• If a movie called Return of the Yeti is ever made, Chewbacca would be ideal for the lead role. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

• If every day were three minutes and 57 seconds longer there would be no need for a leap year. On a personal note, I could use the extra sleep.

• Two wrongs don’t make a right. Just ask the guy with an open can of beer between his legs who gets pulled over by the police for speeding.

• If all of the salamanders in the world were assembled in a straight line, you’d have a really long and slimy straight line. That, and a really disciplined group of salamanders which, by the way is called a congress (look it up if you must).

• You can never have too many bazookas. Unless you’re on an airplane, in which case one would totally be too many.

*A few fun facts you probably didn’t know